Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.