Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!