all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
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Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
British people be like I’m Bri ish
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.