I think this cat is broken
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Thoughts
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.