I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
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Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.