Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
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[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.