Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My patronus is a cheeseburger
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.