I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I can also cook 😂
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Current mood: Potato
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I have so many questions.