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I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Yup
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk