Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
you stereotypes are all alike
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats