[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Lmbo
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism