A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change