[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
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I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
looks legit
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.