I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now