sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
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got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon