Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat