scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.