Xylophonist Shredding It
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Cannot stop laughing at this
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.