*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor