If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
THIS HEADLINE
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Wait a minute…
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.