I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.