My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months