Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
When you don’t understand how floors work
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me