If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My birthstone is a marshmallow
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives