God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
You Might Also Like
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Only Americans understand
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”