ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
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When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?