I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.