Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”