Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
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My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.