Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.