Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.