if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Best seat on the street 😍
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]