hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger