What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
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Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I have so many questions.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
This line from Airplane.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.