when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.