Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
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We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
When I grow up, I want to be 16
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd