Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
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A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
hi why am I like this
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”