Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
my retirement plan is braless
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat