Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.