DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
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It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.