*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
the rocks need my help
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed