If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
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A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.