I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
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“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
me hooking up with my ex
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts