I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
You Might Also Like
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.