Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
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What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.