*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
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Today’s weather from Yorkshire
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*