My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants