right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
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God making man in his image was the original selfie
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Kids, do not try this at home!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.