{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
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“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no