dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely